My new interest. and no holding back.

It’s been quite a while since I’ve felt this way.. Quite an opening statement, huh? And you’re probably wondering with anticipation what I am referring to, right? Is the suspense just killing you?. . . OK ladies, this is going to be a long one(that’s what she said.).HAH! jk jk jk.

Alright. There is this boy. And him is cute. :) We will call him Bobby. I met Bobby at church. I immediately was attracted to him but didn’t think another thought about him because he seemed, at first glance, to be one of those guys that is good-looking and knows it, ya know? So I didn’t really care if I ever spoke to him or not. This past Sunday evening, after sitting in on a mini seminar, the congregation moved into the auditorium where there were refreshments, and an opportunity to mingle and visit. Being new in the area, I didn’t really see any familiar faces. As I grabbed a cup of water, I eyed the auditorium full of people debating whether or not I wanted to stick around and socialize, or if I should just B line it to the door and get home. I saw Bobby, surrounded by about 4 females, all who looked to be completely googly eyed with him(of course). For some reason or another, I decided that this humored me, and I wanted to waltz right on up to him and his little fan club and see for myself what all the fuss was about with this guy, other than his dashing good looks. WAIT: Rewind…previously on the first day I attended this particular congregation about a month prior, I happened to be standing next to him at another social event, and we exchanged introductions..”Hi its nice to meet you” sorta thing. . so we had been formally introduced but had not spoken again since than. Fast forward back to present situation…. So I walk up to the group with my best most friendly smile and say hi to everyone, the girls all politely smile back and say hello. I look right at Bobby and say, “It’s Bobby, right?”, singling him out from the group… “Yeah! You remembered my name?! Victoria, right?” . . . I’m impressed. Somehow, even with his fan club around, we get into a conversation while the others are listening in, heads turning back and forth between him and me, as if they're watching a very exciting table tennis tournament. Even though I was listening and looking at him as he spoke, I swear I saw flames burning in another girl’s eyes. Not even joking. Yeah, ok, maybe it was a little rude that I singled him out with the others all just standing there, but really? Anyway, we had a long enough conversation that I learned the basic info needed to know enough about this person to decide whether or not he is someone worth my time and attention. My conclusion is that yes, he is indeed worth my time and attention… at least for now. ;)
That’s right, I have a crush. And that is what I mean, when I say its been quite a while since I felt this way. Since I’ve felt like I WANT to get to know someone, like I want to pursue him, like I want to be in the same room with him. The past year and longer, I’ve been pursued and have liked the attention. The guys have all been nice and a good way to pass my time, but none have really blown my hair back, ya know...I cant really explain myself sufficiently. Maybe I’m just being silly, but I’m intrigued by this new boy and I want to spend more time with him.
THIS IS WHAT I’VE DECIDED. I am going to call him and ask him out on a date. Yep. I’m gonna do it. Eff this bull shiz game playing. Yeah yeah yeah, you might be thinking, “well he would just ask you out if he was really into you”, or “what if he says no” or “are you being a little desperate?” Wake up call my sistahs! Times have changed and this isn’t the Greg Berhandt show. I’m a confident woman, I’m interested and I’m gonna go for it. Who says that he isn’t shy? This goes for any guy. Just because they have a penus does not mean they always have the balls to ask out a woman they may be interested in. So I’m not going to sit around and wait for a guy who may very well be interested in me when I’m just as willing and capable to call him up myself and suggest some friendly racket ball and/or sushi.
The “what if’s”? What if he says no? Than good! I don’t sit around wondering, waiting, and analyzing every little form of contact we exchange, wishing that he would ask me out. That would be a waste of my energy. In contrast, what if he says yes? Than we go out, and get to know eachother and I’ll have a good story to tell later. When we do go out, what if it’s our first and last date? Than I still have a good story to tell. On the other hand, what if it’s a fabulous first date that leads to something incredible? ? IF I don’t do it, than I’m going to keep wondering “what if”. A year from now, I don’t want to hear about him getting married, leaving me wondering "What would have happened if I had just called and asked him out?" . . . Alright, maybe I'm getting ahead of myself just a little...
Moral of my story today is: Girls, don't wait around waiting for your prince charming to find you. Take charge of your own romance and get out there. You never know what opportunity might pass you by if you sit on the sidelines waiting for love to find you. How can you be found if you're hiding behind old fashioned rules. So take a chance and lay it all out on the line because it may just be worth it!

I'm going to call Bobby and I'll let you know what happens.

Until then, sweetest dreams. :)

My wednesday; Uncle's wedding. .perhaps a realization. .

The funniest thing about all of this so far is that the moment I decide to start sharing my series of romantic events with the world wide web, all of a sudden, I go on a dry spell! WTF guys!? Hah. My roommate and I laughed about it today and she suggested that I back track and share funny stories of my summer dating... which is something I can totally do.. but it's just not the same because those moments have passed and things have changed so it makes it different as opposed to a date to date play by play, ya know?!
Another wedding. . . YEP. This time, my uncle's. On Wednesday night. This was only the 3rd wedding ceremony in my life that I've had the privledge to actually witness. (All the rest, I've only been able to attend the reception.) But can I just say, it really got me thinking.
My little brother and his girlfriend (of nearly 3 yrs, she's an absolute peach, love her)came to pick me up from work. We headed back to my place for a quick costume change. Previously that day while I sat at my desk, I mentally scanned through my closet, looking for an outfit for tonight's agenda.. It was just a small and simple garden ceremony with close family and friends and the a light meal afterwards with music and the traditional cake cutting. This was my uncle's 2nd wedding, so it wasn't one of those great big fancy schmancy shindigs. I figured my attire need not be too formal. I decided on my cute little black "shirt/dress" with the floral knit white detail on the hem and a high waist tie-belt, black leggings w/lace and my favorite Steve Madden black satin 3 inch stilletto peep-toe sling-back ankle strap "get-it girl!" heels. I love those shoes :) I figured it was a good "mini-wedding" combo, the leggings to be more casual, but the dangerously sexy heels for the "wow" affect. PLUS, what if there were any eligible bachelors present that my uncle failed to inform me of before-hand?! I had to be prepared. We show up and the first thing I realize is that all of my family members there are with their own "better-half." All except my youngest brother, at 17 he has no need to be messing in this serious relationship BS. So I find myself being the only single person there other than my 17yr pubecent brother. I grab my uncle before the other guests start arriving, "do you guys have any hot single men coming to this party or what?!", mostly joking... "Oh! Hhmm, maybe?" . . . Not much help there. Then I breifly panic because he has this look on his face like "who can I introduce my neice to...?" How embarrassing. I duck into the bathroom until I feel it safe to come out which was like 2 minutes before the bride came down the aisle. I made it to my seat just in time. I'm sandwiched between my little brother and my dad in the second row. So close, I can see the sweat on my uncle's upper lip. He was nervous! And suddenly my thoughts turned to what was going on in his mind... it is his 2nd go around, afterall. Was he scared? Was he doubting all of a sudden? Was he just so excited? I wished for a moment I could read his mind. And then we all stood and turned to the bride beginning her walk up the aisle. Goosebumps. She looked B E A U T I F U L. Not because the dress or hair do, but because she was absolutely GLOWING with pure happiness. I could just see how amazing she felt at that moment to be taking those last steps as a single woman and into the loving arms of the one she will spend all of time with. I turned for a moment to look at my uncle standing under the wrought iron, flower adorned archway and he too was just BEAMING. I saw my uncle's eyes swell up with tears of joy and that made my own eyes do the same. I looked back to her again. The looks of only love and adoration for one another was all I could see now. That nervous, anxious look that my uncle had before was completely washed away. I realized at that moment that I could not even comprehend what that must feel like. . . being so happy and in love with another person that it brings tears to your eyes. I found myself just for a moment longing to know what that must feel like. Just a glimpse into that world. I was so at peace with their union and so so happy for them to be so happy to have eachother. I couldn't help but wonder if this is what it would be like when I someday marry.
"You may kiss as husband and wife". . .
They mostly just held one another so tight while we all applauded and laughed. How safe that must feel.
The evening continued on to the garden reception. My brother was asked to sing and play their song on his guitar while they danced. It was more a medly of 2 of their songs. One of which was "Perhaps Love" by John Denver, I'm one to really take notice of lyrics to a song, and this one stood out to me at the time.

Perhaps love is like a resting place
A shelter from the storm
It exists to give you comfort
It is there to keep you warm
And in those times of trouble
When you are most alone
The memory of love will bring you home

Perhaps love is like a window
Perhaps an open door
It invites you to come closer
It wants to show you more
And even if you lose yourself
And don't know what to do
The memory of love will see you through

Oh, Love to some is like a cloud
To some as strong as steel

For some a way of living
For some a way to feel

And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go
And some say love is everything
And some say they don't know

Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict, full of pain
Like a fire when it's cold outside
Thunder when it rains
If I should live forever
And all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you

And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go

And some say love is everything
Some say they don't know

Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict, full of pain
Like a fire when it's cold outside
Or thunder when it rains
If I should live forever
And all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you

All in all, it was a beautiful evening, and has given me a new perspective on love. Perhaps love is Something to look forward to and a caution to be prepared.
Of course, until then I will continue to have love in my heart and joy in my step. Afterall, this life was meant to be enjoyed, regardless.
Remember, The world always looks brighter from behind a smile. Sweetest dreams. <3

My curse. and other random thoughts. . .

BRIEF UPDATE; I got a text from Brandon (Sunday's guy) this morning.. "GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE! How is your day?" . . . I feel like this is an attempt to stay friendly, but not flirty. What do you think? I've decided not to put much more effort into establishing much with Brandon.. Let the chips fall where they may, I guess you could say.
I still havent heard much from David (Saturday's guy). But he seems much like the type to not take the initiative. I'm secretly bummed about that, but THATS OK! :) Again, letting the chips fall where they may. . .
Adam and I, of course, still great friends... so far, the least mystery behind this relationship, and that's the way uh huh uh huh, I like it. . !
ALRIGHT, so today, I noticed something that was beginning to irritate me so to the point that I purposely played Kelly Clarkson

I HATE YOU

break up songs so that I was FORCED to remember my WHY in this matter. It always seems this way.. Whenever I'm just about to be distracted by another man coming into my life, my ex somehow manages to sneak his way into my thoughts, memories, and urges.. its like a curse! Exhibit A: Sunday night during the snuggle with Brando, the ex (is how we will refer to him from here on out) texted me, AND called and left a voicemail. . . Out of the blue! It's like he must have this 6th sense that can just smell when I am just beginning to enjoy myself with someone else!
A little history on the ex and I.. We dated on and off for a little over 2 yrs. He is who I am most vulnerable to, and that is all my own fault. But I've come a LLOONNGG way from still feeling that way, I am proud to say. The good thing about him; He for real loved me(and I feel he still does, which is not so a good a thing). And I for real loved him. The connection between us during our relationship is by far the most amazing and connected that I've ever been with any other human being in my life. Sadly, any time I meet someone new, I cant help but compare them to him. I think thats common, right?? But I just hope hope HOPE that it is not affecting my decisions and preferences while dating, you know, holding me back..? How do I be sure of that? Can I ever be sure of that?. . . Hhhhmmm. . Somehow I seem to think no.
A quote I once read somewhere comes to mind now while thinking of my past relationship woes..

LOVING SOMEONE IS ALLOWING THEM THE ABILITY TO DESTROY YOU BUT TRUSTING THAT THEY WON'T.

If anyone could ever really define love, this would be it. That's all for tonight. Until my next encounter, sweetest dreams. <3

My epiphany. Romances thus far (or lack of)

MONDAY, after a not too eventful and yet enjoyable weekend, I stumble into the office...late. Dang it. No make-up, hair in ponytail, last minute random outfit thrown together in 2 mins. Yep. It's about to be one of those days. One of those days where I try to hide in my little corner of my little cubicle and avoid eye contact with any other human. Goal: Make it through 8 hours of the work day, get the job done, no small talk, get home before anyone notices those dark circles under the eyes. Thank the good Lord I didnt forget my iPod touch and headphones..wheww! Now you may be wondering what has caused my tardiness (yet again) and laziness(hence the absense of makeup) this beautiful Monday morning after having a weekend to prepare... Well, this is where my epiphany comes into play. As I'm staring at my computer screen, trying to force my brain to start thinking "expense reports, invoices, deadlines..etc..", instead all I keep reviewing over and over quietly to myself are the events of the night before (Sunday), as well as the other 2 previous nights(Saturday & Friday)! No, it was nothing huge or life changing. Nothing of any real importance. But ya know what. To us single ladies in the house, the following may very well be the most important little details that can determine what the next steps to take will be in terms of DATING. Yes, thats right. Dating. Hanging out. Courting. Chillin. Kickin it. Blah blah blah. Whatever you want to refer to it as. Ok, ok ok... back to staring at my computer monitor.. So I'm sitting there rewinding my life of the last 3 nights and it hits me. Here I am, a hardworking, independent, mostly beautiful (i like to think), woman and I have just spent time with THREE different men, each one on a different day over the past weekend. And all I come away with is a tired, dragging, tardy ass, 'baby mole-rat' lookin version of the beautiful me from the 3 nights before, worrying and analyzing the small talk and body language from those 3 lucky b@$t@rd$! And I realize, DATING SUCKS! And suddenly it is an immediate need for me to de-brief another woman on the details from said previous nights so that they may also come to the realization with me that said dating does indeed suck. Thus, this blog is born. So on to the good stuff. Lets back it up to Friday night.
FRIDAY. 5pm. Done with work! Yessss! I'm leaving the office trying to decide which one of my girlfriends I want to call first to plan an exciting last minute Friday night with! Wait.. I've just received a text message. "We still on for tonight?" From Adam, the personal trainer. Oh yeah! Duh, I had a date planned for tonight! HHhmm, honestly, I can't say I was looking forward to it or excited, but it was nice to know that someone wanted to spend time(and money, c'mon ladies, lets be honest!) on me. Luckily I hadn't talked to any girlfriends yet. Adam and I are friends. We've established a 'brother-sister' like friendship while working together, so this date is very low maintanence. Wahoo! I reply, "Of course, cant wait!" I dont even bother to change clothes or freshen up my foundation. No butterflies of nervousness whatsoever. This is nice, actually! Relaxed! We eat yummy yummy food, have great laughs and then decide on a new movie in theatres. Observations throughout the night were that Adam is quite the gentleman! Opens my doors, "order whatever you want", "you pick the movie", etc. By far better than the majority of my past dates, thats for sure! He laughed at all my stupid remarks and there were no akward moments. I really like Adam, I've decided. But unfortunately, not in a way that I could ever be in love with Adam. He walked me to my door and we hugged as friends do, and said our goodnights. Next time, its on me.
SATURDAY: Ok, so this wasn't really a date at all. David is someone I have known for the past few months or so. We met through mutual friends, but it has been a long while since the last time we hung out. He's also friends with a couple other of my close girlfriends. We invite him to tag along with us as we run a'muck to past the time after another depressing wedding reception of a girl from high school. Which by the way, my refrigerator door was COVERED with wedding invites from old and new friends tying the knot.. follwed by that oh so familiar ::SIGH::... "someday..". . . Alright, back to David. He agrees to tag along. I see him pull up to my place, and I suddenly get an urge of excitement, could these be butterflies??? weird... I'm not sure why but I was kind of excited to see him after so long. He's cute in a good boy sorta way and I like it. :) He hugs me and conversation comes easily. He compliments me more than a few times.. very flattered . I'm getting a twinge of a crush coming on but surpress it because I don't want to jump ahead of myself. We all watch a movie, but he and I sit together on the couch and very innocently snuggle. Just for a little bit. I've decided he is precious and regardless, I'd like to spend some more time with David. He hugs me when he leaves, and texts me when he arrives home safely. I fall asleep thinking of what may come from David, if anything at all.
SUNDAY: Afternoon date with a fellow I met on a dating site... AAHH!! thats right. I admit it. A dating site! You know what though, lets face it... I am very rarely ever in a place where I can meet new people, much less meet new men that I can possibly find my future sould mate. So I joined a dating site and voila! I meet Brandon. Brandon and I have been "talking" for a little over a month, almost 2 months. He meets me at the grocery store.. DUH! Never ever bring a stranger you met online to your home first, especially alone! First impression: he definately looks different in his pictures... he doesnt seem that too enthused to see me either... hhmm, this could be a bad sign. Hell! I know I look good! HAH! ;-) I wanted to spend a little time feeling out the situation before suggesting to go anywhere with it. I feel comfortable enough with him that I do invite him over to make some lunch and experiment this cake recipe I found!(Maybe I will post recipe and pics later... you should try it! ) One realiztion I made quickly with Brandon was that I would be leading the conversation. No doubt about it. He was coming off shy and reserved, but I couldnt read him at all so I didnt know if it was because he is indeed shy and maybe nervous! Or maybe he just wasnt interested and decided to just finish out the date politely. Either way, I was going to just be myself and make the best of it. Afterall, I had just bought all the ingredients for this much sought after cake recipe, and I was stoked to try it! He could just be my guinea pig/food critic, if nothing else. For the remainder of the date, we prepared lunch at my place (roommate was present, fyi. keep online dating safe!) I found myself asking the dumbest "small talk" questions just to keep the crickets from chirping! HOLY CRAP DUDE! Throw me a frickin bone at least! He was very polite, and nice, and smiled and laughed when expected, but I still couldnt tell if he was diggin me or not! On the other hand, I wasn't diggin him all that much, and maybe he was picking up on that? ... Hmm...He didnt seem at all impressed with my attempt at making a delicious Italian meal, but thats ok. I  really didnt mind that it didnt turn out. We still had the cake.. After an hour or so, I think to myself, screw this small talk, lets start a movie. I put in a movie, and now its time to read the body language. He seemed open and comfortable in that sense. On the couch, we both sat leaning into one another, shoulder to shoulder, but not too much for a first date. My mind kept thinking "should I get a blanket and offer to share?" That's always the big OPEN DOOR "WELCOME" sign for cuddling, right? I dont think its too much, besides, we've been chatting, texting, emailing and talking on the phone for a whole month, and more! I think cuddling would be just fine! But I cant bring myself to suggest it. I wait it out to see if he makes any advances...ie; hand next to leg, hand on leg, arm around shoulder... etc.. etc... Nope. But he hasnt closed himself off either.. Still very open. Arm and hand still out and available for me to take if I decided to, but the old fashioned tiny part of me still wanted him to make that first move, if it were to be made. Nope. The cake was made, and I served it up. He loved it! I dont blame him, it was melt in your mouth amazing! We finished off the movie, and again I started with the small talk... trying to get him to open up more. It was feeling a bit more comfortable, and I thought that was good. While aimlessly watching pointless clips of tv shows, I decide that I made all this food and have spent this much time (at least 4 hrs) with this man, that I deserve at least a little bit of snuggle time. He's cute, and tall.. I'd feel cozy in his arms, at least enough to block out the "single" status feeling for maybe just a few more hours. So I say it. "I think that you should snuggle with me." And being the polite nice guy that he is, he adheres to my request. And we snuggle. At this point, he then proceeds to soflty tickle my arm, and ever so gently, we "hold" hands. More like our hands are spooning. :) It was nice. We stayed like this for possibly an hour and a half, maybe 2 hours before we both began falling in and out of sleep, where he then decides it best to get home. It's about 11:30 pm at this point. We say our goodnights, and he hugs me.. I breathe in deep to smell his cologne again, thinking this could probably be the first and last time I get to feel that warmth from Brandon. I take it for what it's worth and enjoy the short moment. He leaves, and back to the couch I go to snuggle up in the warm spot he has left on the couch where I can still smell a hint of the cologne. I fall asleep there with the tv soflty buzzing in the background of my dreams.
          The downside: There were no sparks or fireworks this past weekend. The bright side: I enjoyed myself and had some good company and some great company and some great food. I'm finding myself more and more just "comfortable" with this sort of dating. Is that a good thing or a bad thing? These little "encounters" of mine.... oh my oh my. When will it ever end? My closing thought. So at the wedding reception I mentioned that I went to on Saturday night, I asked my newly married gal pal, "Was it love at first sight?" Jokingly, she replied, "For him it was!" :) But she went on to admit that as she primping for the night out when she met her prince charming, her girlfriend had to talk her into going and had mentioned " You might meet your future soul mate.. you never know"... She went, obviously. And met her love. And they are so wonderful together. Their "how we met" story gave me some hope, a bit of a light at the end of the tunnel of this "dating life" that I feel I'm just adrift in. A hope that its possible, love is out there. and it can happen. So ladies, when primping for your next night out, remember, you might just meet your future soul mate. Keep your heart open and always remember your best accessory is your smile. :) Till my next encounter, sweetest dreams. <3